I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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