I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
