i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
