I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
