Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
