if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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