Swine flu. Run for my life!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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