Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sober January is a disaster.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
