Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
In other news, I just burned my penis
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
