my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
