so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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