The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
