I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
