my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
