i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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