Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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