In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
