i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
