Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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