my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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