Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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