i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
