I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
