Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Found your dick twin last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
