Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
