My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
