It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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