I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
