i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You ruined the universe
Randomize
