My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
