Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
