My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
