Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
