I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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