i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
