i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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