O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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