3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
