You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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