I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Randomize
