Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
