I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
