can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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