Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
