Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
