Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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