I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
