i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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