yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
