he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
